Monday, October 20, 2008

Chaotic Perfection

- By Suling Wang

A lot of people would have actually been part of this same cycle of life. I am sure. Its a part of the growing up process.

It starts a little after you have had your first second or even third crushes, have swooned over mills and boons, have dreamt about those first silent moonlight walks hand in hand. It skips the period when you were confident of achieving anything you aimed for in life, of being capable of doing whatever you wanted to.

I talk about the fragile bridge between adolescence and youth. Yes, Adolescence and Youth (not childhood and adolescence)
The period when you are suddenly faced with the realities of life. It doesn't look all that beautiful anymore.
Suddenly, the guys or the girls you drooled over seem not to be perfect.
Suddenly, the aims that you had for your life don't really feel that important.
Suddenly, the ideologies that you shared with your friends don't make sense.

Now imagine this. From a perfect picture to a canvas of total chaos! None of what you thought of for twenty years seems to be correct.

I too have been a part of this phase. Two years after I crossed this bridge (or so I thought) I still seem to be dangling somewhere in between. What feels like truth at one point of time disgusts me at another. What makes me happy today is something that I hate to do tomorrow. Life seems beautiful and a moment later i feel like the most miserable person alive.

Sometimes I think its got to do with the fact that I have somewhere in the process of traveling from one edge of the bridge to the other dropped the big picture that I had created for life. My dreams , my ideals don't seem realistic to me anymore. Sometimes I wonder about my decisions back then only to feel that they don't have any value attached to it anymore.

And in fact, the most amazing part of this story is that I am on my way to achieve what I had dreamt back then. I had dreamed of coming to a foreign land and fend for my own self and I have been doing it for a year now. I had dreamed of obtaining a masters degree in my program and I am two months away from my graduation. I had dreamed of getting a job and having my own cubicle and I have one at my workplace now topped with a desk phone, a desk machine and my own personal laptop with a drawer full of documentation. All this sounded geeky to me back then and gave me a rush of excitement. Today, I think, is this what life is all about??

Life is perfect so as to say, and yet why is my heart in chaos?


nisarg said...

Well, you are reflecting on your choices, and that is a good thing.

Good luck.

Mamta said...

Thanks Nisarg! However, the point i was trying to make here is something that shakes the very foundations of the correctness of my choices

nisarg said...

Who decides whether your choices are right or wrong?

It is you.

You must have had many dreams other than the ones that you mentioned. But you didn't choose to pursue all of them. You pursued only the ones that were important to you.

However with passage of time things happen, priorities change. But that still doesn't change the reasons behind your choices. What felt right before may not seem right anymore. But, back when you had to make those decisions you chose to do what seemed to be the right thing to do. Now, as you look back, those decisions might appear wrong, but back then they were as right as they could get.

The point is whenever we have to make a decision; we choose our path based on what we want. However we forget to think about why. Why do we want some things? What is the purpose behind going after some things? In your case why did you want to come to America? Why did you want to do masters? Why did you want a job with a desk and computer? Were those reasons valid? They might have been valid couple of years back, but they are not valid right now.

Now, reflecting upon your choices does help you find out what is important to you and what is not. It helps you determine a set of values which are very important to you. A set of principles which you would abide by no matter what the circumstances are. If you define your purpose based on those principles and let it guide you and make choices, your choices won’t seem worthless even if your life flips upside down.

Mamta said...

That seems to be very true. I really have to rethink about what are the roots and the basic principles that create ME!

Solitaire said...

Its a journey that never ends. If you are looking for a destination, you will never find it.

Anonymous said...

First of all hi mamta.....after long time I suspect. I just saw your name on the google talk out of nowhere with the blog spot and saw what you had written and comments by nisarg.

Thinking about what you have written, as well why? by nisarg, I would like to say one thing, Look life through eyes of Einstein where everything is relative and nothing is absolute. As indicated by the "solitaire" life is journey not destination, so when you are in a journey everything you experience is going to be only true and relevant during that particular time period.

So my point: It is important to understand the roots that makes you, who you are. However if you want to rethink your roots, this indicates the greatest flaw in your belief, because then your current belief that makes you believe that your roots has flaws might be flawed itself. Hence in a journey where you final destination in undecided the belief changes however does that mean that the roots are wrong.


Mamta said...

Thanks for the wonderful piece of advice. However, could you let me know your identity?

mohak mehta said...

somebody commented just right...
its not abt getting to destination , bt abt enjoying the journey...[:)] !!
ur post ssounded decidedly a lil nostalgic... hope u get over the melancholy back to ur usual cheerful joyous self before i talk to you next time...[:)] !!
take care !

Karthik said...

Wic comment in preeti's blog u were refering mate?? Cn drop ur rply in my blog so that i cud xplain

Karthik said...

Sorry mamta, Prethi had mentioned those line and found u in the comment list!! So thought she must be refering you!!! ergg.. She must be happy for starting the WAR OF WOR(L)DS betwwen us via her post!!! Its a misunderstanding and ergg.. I wish u a Happy and Safe Diwali!!!!

S said...

The corrctness of your choice are purely circumstancial.. You would have made a decision on going to america a couple of years back.. if it were today that you were required to make that decision, the factors you need to consider differ..

Guess it's just a part of evolution... And Life's a mirage... It's there but it isn't... we are all stuck in this materialistic world.. looking at one mirage after the other.. to get out of this whole loop... we need to get down to realize our true self.. what we truly are...

Nice post...!!
Keep writing and Happy Deepavali..!!